The NFL season is happening and there are a lot of reasons to cheer for your favorite team. But instead of being positive, let’s sound like keyboard warriors and trolls for a minute.
Why spread positivity when we can just get some good one-liners off about each team? Let’s discuss why people hate your favorite team and dunk on some organizations to make us feel better about ourselves.
Arizona Cardinals: You Hired Kliff Kingsbury
One of the more baffling coaching hires was hiring coach Kliff Kingsbury after he was fired from his alma mater Texas Tech a few months prior. I understand keeping quarterback Kyler Murray with his same coach from college but it was terrible for the Cardiansl. Almost as bad as his NFL stats as a quarterback. Going 28-38-1 with that talent is something incredibly terrible and he is finally gone from the organization this season.
Atlanta Falcons: 28-3
Everyone was rooting for the Atlanta Falcons to win the Super Bowl in 2017 against the New England Patriots. They dominated early and went up four scores like they were an Abraham Lincoln speech and the Patriots were ruined. Those four characters ruined it all… 28-3 as the Falcons choked and lost the game after having a 25-point lead. Thanks for nothing.
Baltimore Ravens: They created the Joe Flacco is Elite Narrative
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Joe Flacco was a good quarterback that got paid like a top-tier quarterback because he won some playoff games. There’s a reason they won with Flacco on his rookie contract and not after they paid him $20 million per season from 2013 to 2021. He was not good and was the first memorable instance of drastically overpaying a middling quarterback.
Buffalo Bills: Couldn’t win once in four tries at the Super Bowl
Going 0-for-4 in baseball is okay but going 0-for-4 in the Super Bowl in four consecutive seasons is bad. They were close in 1991 losing by a single point but were blown out the next three years. Their current roster seems to be further away from another appearance than they have been in a few years but still have zero championships to display.
Carolina Panthers: Bryce Young Isn’t a Starting Quarterback
The Panthers have been terrible and traded for the first overall pick to draft Bryce Young. Instead of having a solid quarterback, they have a quarterback too small to even call a quarterback sneak. That’s just embarrassing for the organization and they are not going to win many games with him under center.
Chicago Bears: You Play Outside in Chicago
Soldier Field is a cold place to play in the middle of the winter as Chicago is not a warm place. You know what else works? A retractable roof at worst. Seriously, I get the hard-nosed tough guy thing but maybe a quarterback would want to play for your franchise if they weren’t freezing their butts off by Week 9 of the season.
Cleveland Browns: Can you have a competent quarterback?
The Cleveland Browns have been the worst team at getting the quarterback position correct. Do I even need to go through the quarterbacks in the 21st century to make a point? Once they can become a perennial winner, then we can talk about something else?
Dallas Cowboys: The Team of Bandwagoners & Delusion
America’s team always likes to act like frontrunners, right? The team has not won a Super Bowl in over 25 years and still thinks they are winning it every season. Doesn’t help when you have guys like Skip Bayless promoting this behavior. Win something first and then we can talk, Cowboys fans.
Denver Broncos: Let Russ Cook
The Denver Broncos got fleeced because they cannot develop a quarterback. Look at the Russell Wilson trade and think how things could be different. Not to mention getting the worst quarterback in the move, the picks ended up being Devon Witherspoon and Charles Cross to headline it. Russell Wilson has less wins with Denver (4) than Drake has albums (7). Good thing it was Nathaniel Hackett’s fault.
Detroit Lions: Barry Sanders and Megatron 2 for 1 special
Remember how Barry Sanders retired early? Well, Detroit didn’t just force one incredible talent to do that. Calvin Johnson was an incredible receiver and he retired early just so he didn’t have to deal with the organization. Thanks for ruining a Hall of Fame talent.
Green Bay Packers: Can Someone else get a QB?
Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers, Bart Starr. Can someone else have a Hall of Fame quarterback? It just is not fair that every quarterback seems to thrive in Green Bay while other teams have busts at the position year in and year out. Also, the Lambeau Leap is overrated.
Houston Texans: Bill O’Brien was a GM for you
The Houston Texans hired a decent coach to also be your general manager and that was terrible. Bill O’Brien traded away DeAndre Hopkins for a broken-down running back in David Johnson and a second-round pick. The Laremy Tunsil trade was ridiculously overpriced as well as he gave up two first-rounders, a second-rounder and two players for Tunsil and a couple of later picks. This set the franchise back years as they still are struggling to figure things out going forward to this day after he was fired three years ago.
Indianapolis Colts: You Ruined Andrew Luck
Moving on from Peyton Manning is one thing after he had neck surgery but Jim Irsay couldn’t build an offensive line to protect Andrew Luck, the top pick in the draft and the future of the franchise. Thanks to your incompetence, he only played 86 career games before calling it quits. Maybe build an offensive line that doesn’t average Luck getting sacked 29 times per season.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Urban Meyer was Your Coach
The Jaguars hired Urban Meyer and he immediately showed his was awful. From assaulting his kicker to staying at a bar instead of traveling with the team to having Tim Tebow play tight end in training camp, things went south fast and often. Meyer went 2-11 with Trevor Lawrence as his quarterback and didn’t even finish a single season. Thanks for the laughs Jacksonville.
Kansas City Chiefs: This dynasty kinda sucks for the rest of the league
Right when we get away from the New England Patriots dynasty in the AFC, the Kansas City Chiefs decide to come along and just fill in their shoes. They have the playoffs go through Arrowhead Stadium since Patrick Mahomes became quarterback every year and it’s just not fair.
Las Vegas Raiders: You caused the Patriots dynasty
The Tuck Rule happened during a game between the Patriots and the Raiders. Seems to be the reason the Patriots dynasty took off and the only one to blame is the Las Vegas Raiders. Thought about including the Jon Gruden thing but that feels icky to even discuss here.
Los Angeles Chargers: Brandon Staley
While I for one like analytics in football to make decisions, having Brandon Staley do it is awful. He is a miserable coach ruining the primes of Justin Herbert, Austin Ekeler, Khalil Mack and Joey Bosa among others. Now way with a team this talented are you 19-17 overall and 0-1 in the postseason. Another coordinator that was moved up because he is part of the Sean McVay coaching tree.
Los Angeles Rams: No Fans in Los Angeles
The Rams are not a Los Angeles team. There are more Raiders and Chargers fans than there are Rams fans. Every home game for them feels like a road game. That’s what happens when you leave a loyal fanbase in St. Louis to chase the almighty dollar.
Miami Dolphins: Living on the Undefeated Season
The Miami Dolphins went undefeated in 1972 and capped it off with the Super Bowl win. Doesn’t mean we need to be reminded every time a team wins their first few games. Stop living in the past.
Minnesota Vikings: Frauds in the Playoffs
After being considered to be a massive team last season, the Vikings made the playoffs after winning 11 one-score games. Everyone thought they were frauds and what happened? The Giants, who were third in their division, went on the road and dominated the game to send Minnesota home quickly as one-and-done. Good thing losing to New York in the playoffs isn’t something the city of Minnesota is used to.
New England Patriots: Enter Tom Brady
The Patriots won a lot in the late 2000s until Tom Brady left in 2020. That is way too much winning and people just get sick of dominance. These last few seasons of Bill Belichick missing the playoffs have felt like revenge and the rest of the NFL loves it.
New Orleans Saints: Bountygate Made You Sus
Sean Payton was suspended for a season because he was intentionally trying to hurt opposing players. That is not good and put a black stain on the Saints for a while. They were able to overcome it but that Kevin James movie is on your hands New Orleans.
New York Giants: You’re Not Even in New York
This could also be for the Jets but we have a totally different gripe for them. You call yourselves the New York Giants but have your stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. That’s stupid and ridiculous. Either build a stadium in New York or be the New Jersey Giants. Also, saying the New York Football Giants is dumb so stop doing that.
New York Jets: 50 Years of Bad QBs
Eventually the Jets will get a good quarterback, right? Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers trades haven’t panned out. Drafting Sam Darnold and Zack Wilson have not worked out recently. Your best quarterback season is either Vinny Testaverde 20 years ago or Ryan Fitzpatrick, a guy who plays well for three games a season. Get a clue at the most important position in football.
Philadelphia Eagles: You’re not Always the Underdog
The Eagles always believe they are underdogs because people didn’t believe in Nick Foles six years ago. They are a good team with a rugby play and are nothing crazy outside of that. Sorry Philly, enjoy the Philly Special another time.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Terrible Towels are Just Terrible
Tradition is cool when the tradition is cool. Waving around yellow towels that look like rags you cleaned your pet’s pee with is the opposite of cool. Maybe when the Steelers were rolling it made sense but now it seems like just past glory for the sake of not being innovative. Change it up Steelers.
San Francisco 49ers: Overrated
Kyle Shanahan has been doing well as a coach but is not a genius. They have quarterbacks rotating in and out, with Trey Lance being the poster child. This team is good but won’t win the Super Bowl for another year.
Seattle Seahawks: You Called a Pass on the 1-yard line
Pete Carroll, what did you do? Why did you have to call a pass on the one-yard line? We were literal inches away from one less Patriots Super Bowl with the Legion of Doom stepping up and when Russell Wilson threw the ball, there was a collective groan from everyone watching.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Had to Buy A Ring
The thing about the New York Yankees is people accuse them of buying their championships. Enter stage right Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Instead, you bought a retirement home (fitting for the location) and bought Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski and Richard Sherman among others. What do they have in common? They all are retired after a few seasons from it. Good luck with Baker Mayfield to solve your problems.
Tennessee Titans: Can you Win Some Games?
The Tennessee Titans are 17-23 so far in the postseason in franchise history but that can be tough. However, the AFC South is typically weak and is 20 games below .500 as a team. That is terrible and why should we even pretend to like the little sisters of the poor.
Washington Commanders: Dan Snyder Kinda Sucked
Dan Snyder is no longer the owner of this franchise but his 25-year reign was terrible. Just ask Washington Commanders fans, they have no problem telling you either. At least we end as a group for this list.
